As predicted, yesterday rather imploded. I am mortified.
I am not a crier. A few tears occasionally, that are choked back and ignored. When I get the fits of crying that I seem to have not control over? That's when things are going seriously wrong. I spent most of the morning hiding behind my computer, unable to complete simple tasks. When I tried to speak to people on the helpline, (me supposedly being the one that helps), they kept saying that they couldn't hear me. When I tried to construct sentences to speak to my colleagues, the words came out too thick and in the wrong order.
I hate it when this happens, when symptoms burst through the bubble that is my head and become obvious to everyone. During my lunchbreak, my colleague J came to find me to see what was wrong, and I started crying again. I am not a screen-star crier - my face goes blotchy immediately, my eyes go red - there's no hiding that I've been crying. I tried to calm down and say I would be fine but I don't think I was convincing, because ten minutes later my line manager came to find me. As I've said before, my line manager is very good and very supportive, but that doesn't make it any less embarressing to be suddenly ineffective at work. She suggested that I went home and by that time, I was feeling so physically ill that I agreed. I sat there a while and tried to compose myself, again not doing very well at it because a complete stranger from another company came over to talk to me. She made me laugh by telling me about how she had just spilt a glass of water over her laptop.
I am not a crier. A few tears occasionally, that are choked back and ignored. When I get the fits of crying that I seem to have not control over? That's when things are going seriously wrong. I spent most of the morning hiding behind my computer, unable to complete simple tasks. When I tried to speak to people on the helpline, (me supposedly being the one that helps), they kept saying that they couldn't hear me. When I tried to construct sentences to speak to my colleagues, the words came out too thick and in the wrong order.
I hate it when this happens, when symptoms burst through the bubble that is my head and become obvious to everyone. During my lunchbreak, my colleague J came to find me to see what was wrong, and I started crying again. I am not a screen-star crier - my face goes blotchy immediately, my eyes go red - there's no hiding that I've been crying. I tried to calm down and say I would be fine but I don't think I was convincing, because ten minutes later my line manager came to find me. As I've said before, my line manager is very good and very supportive, but that doesn't make it any less embarressing to be suddenly ineffective at work. She suggested that I went home and by that time, I was feeling so physically ill that I agreed. I sat there a while and tried to compose myself, again not doing very well at it because a complete stranger from another company came over to talk to me. She made me laugh by telling me about how she had just spilt a glass of water over her laptop.
So I went home. I tried to eat, but didn't even manage that very well. Bath and bed. My new housemate must be wondering what kind of loon he invited to live here.
Today, I called in sick and I feel terrible for doing so. It's not something I do lightly and I agonised over what to do for about an hour this morning. In the end, the potential for more sleep won. I think that part of it was not wanting to face my colleagues and manager after yesterday's disaster. I have annual leave on Monday and my manager is then away until Thursday. I know that she is going to want to talk about what happened, and I know that she wants to put into place some kind of strategy to support me, but short of them funding a lobotomy, I don't know what to suggest. I don't want to be someone who needs a support plan. I don't want to be someone who needs people. I didn't want my mentalness to impact on my work, and now it has. I already don't want to go to work knowing that people are looking for the holes in my face and in what I say.
On the way home I saw a poster for a missing cat; it reminded me of a poster I made a couple of years ago. My ex-ex employer was lousy - the managers had no respect, no regard for the employees and there was a high sickness level and staff turnover as a result of the stress and general nastiness. They loved it when people left because they could replace them with agency staff who they didn't have to pay as much or pay sick/annual leave to. Anyhow .. it was completely soul destroying ... as a joke I made a 'missing' poster for my soul. It's not funny anymore ... my soul is still missing.
Today ... I slept until noon. I have managed to eat something, even though I now feel insanely guilty for doing so. I am not having the weird head/hearing problems that I was having last night, which is good. I do feel very low but at least I have swallowed back the crying for now. What a stupid mess. I am going over to see my parents tonight, and I hope I can manage to act normal for them.
Still in desperate need of a hug and someone to tell me that this will all work itself out in the end, because right now, I can't stand myself.
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