Where the body ends...

(this is a post that discusses self harm in detail. please consider yourselves warned)

Right now, I really want to cut myself. I can say cut, because it is a specific feeling. I do not want to burn or scratch or punch the wall. I want the sting and relief of a cut.

That thought, I can handle. I can hold in my palm and regard it, maybe clasp it a little too closely. What I cannot lie comfortably with is the fact that really, honestly right now, there is no 'reason' for me to cut, other than that I want to.

What kind of person does that make me? I can accept all the reasons for self harm as a coping mechanism, as a punishment, as a relief. And I think that all of those nuances fit into it being enjoyable, but I do feel deeply uncomfortable expressing that.

I guess, in the most simplistic terms - self harm makes me feel better, and we do things that allow us to feel better even at quiet times - it doesn't need to be a raging crisis.

As I previously mentioned, I am feeling hyper-aware of my body and bodily sensations at the moment. This is unnerving, interesting and a little bit fun. It's good to feel a little bit sexy, although it's not so good that whenever I hear I song by Kings of Leon I want to have sex. I swear there is some sort of mind control going on with their songs. It's not good when I feel like my skin is crawling with tiny ants and that I feel every centimetre of my skin all at the same time, and am disgusting by the enormity of it.

At this point, cutting becomes an experiment in trying to find where the body ends. (I say cutting, because burning always has a different purpose, it is always after great deliberation and is when I feel I deserve pain. Cutting doesn't always have those connotations). Cutting is controlling of the sensations, of all those ants suddenly being directed to one area, and it feels good. I won't deny that.

It seems almost funny that self harm is used to alleviate both numbness and feeling too much.

Why can't I stretch? Why don't I go kick-boxing? Why not take a hot bath? All these things could calm/redirect this over-alive feeling, but I do not do these things. I choose the path of least resistance, because I know it works. If I had never self-harmed, then I would probably easily fall upon an alternative, healthy or unhealthy.

We do the things that please us because they please us.

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say. Maybe I'm trying to justify why I want to cut myself. Maybe I'm making excuses to do something which I know is not a positive thing for me to do.